dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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