I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
