Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
