I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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