im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
