i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
