My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
