EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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