i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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