so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
