she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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