Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
