Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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