why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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