I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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