Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
