so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
