Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
