i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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