my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
