Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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