i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
COCAINE IS GR8
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
