oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
