you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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