So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
