she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
