Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
