I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
