Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
