Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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