I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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