I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
