So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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