Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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