dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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