I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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