I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
