is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
