My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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