I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
