Got a toothbrush?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He better not be in your backpack
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
