He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
