Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
