When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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