I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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