I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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