Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
