Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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