I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
