I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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