If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
