I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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