He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
