new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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