Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
