You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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