His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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